


Checking in

by CirrusGrey



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Episode Related, M/M, episode 171 spoilers, once again i'm at a loss as to how to tag this sorry, serious conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:41:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24682504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CirrusGrey/pseuds/CirrusGrey
Summary: SPOILERS FOR MAG 171!!!A conversation on humanity, morality, and where to go from here.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 16
Kudos: 167





	Checking in

"Everything alright?"

They've left the Mortal Garden behind. Martin has been lost in thought, following Jon's footsteps without really noticing where he's going.

"Martin?"

He shakes himself, offering Jon a distracted smile. "Yes, yep, I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I just..." Jon is frowning. He looks worried. "You've been quiet. And I know that was... a lot."

"It was," Martin nods. "I  _ am  _ fine, though. Just thinking."

"Care to share?" Now Jon is smiling, fond and anticipatory.

"Oh." He looks...  _ far  _ too cheerful for the sort of conversation that would entail. Which is sort of the point, isn't it? "It's, um... not happy thoughts."

Jon's smile drops, and he lays a hand on Martin's arm. "You don't need to talk about it if you're not ready."

"No, it's-" Martin laughs, then, though it is more just to fill the pause in his words than any kind of humor. "I'm not in some kind of self-deprecating spiral, Jon, I told you I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about."

"Me?"

"Yeah," Martin sighs. "You."

Jon waits for him to continue. When he doesn't, he tentatively asks: "What about me?"

Martin does not answer immediately, taking a moment to try to find a gentle way to say this. He's been trying to find a gentle way to say this since they left the Garden, and hasn't found one yet. Eventually, he just asks.

"Do you still want to save the world?"

Jon blinks in surprise. "That's why we're doing all this, isn't it?"

"Is it?" Martin shoots him a side glance. "Or is it just about getting revenge on Elias?"

"I mean..." Jon hesitates. "That's certainly  _ part  _ of it..."

"But is it all of it?" Jon opens his mouth, clearly ready to protest, and Martin cuts him off. "You can tell me, Jon.  _ Please.  _ Just be honest."

Jon takes a breath, frowning as he thinks. "What's brought this on?"

"A lot of things," Martin sighs. "Just... the things you've been saying. The Garden, I know you thought it was beautiful, the- all of it, really. You enjoy watching it, don't you? The suffering."

Jon is silent for a long moment. Then he nods. "Yes. I do. I  _ hate  _ that I do, though." He looks at Martin, his eyes haunted. "I know I shouldn't. I- I can  _ feel  _ myself slipping away, slipping into apathy. I  _ want  _ to care that people are suffering, but... it feels like it doesn't matter, anymore. What's the difference, if I care or not? Nothing changes."

"It matters to you."

"I suppose."

"It matters to me."

"I know."

Martin reaches over, grabs his hand. Jon's fingers lace with his, squeezing slightly.

"Is it really that hopeless?" Jon frowns at him. Martin runs his thumb over the back of his hand. "You're acting like you've given up."

Jon just frowns some more. Martin sighs.

"When we left the cabin," he says, "we talked about how we were going to find a way to kill Elias and save the world. When you killed the Sasha-thing, we talked about how we'd take out all the Avatars we found to save the people they were hurting. Now you've killed Jude, and Jared, and you're saying it hasn't helped anyone. That we  _ can't  _ help anyone. You- you said doing good, making things  _ better,  _ that it was  _ never  _ an option. You only killed them because they hurt you. So," he takes a deep breath. "Are we still trying to kill Elias and save the world? Or are we just trying to kill Elias, because the world can't be saved?"

Jon looks away.

"Hey." Martin tugs on his hand, pulling them both to a halt. "This isn't an accusation." He places a hand on Jon's cheek, turning him gently so they are face-to-face. Jon still doesn't meet his eyes. "I'm with you. Even if this is just about revenge, even if you know that killing Elias isn't going to save anyone, I'm with you. I just want to know the truth. Do you still think this will work?"

Jon runs his tongue over his lips, taking a hesitant breath. "I... I truly do not know, Martin. These- these in-between places, it's- it's not helping. The- the people, they're still suffering even without the Avatars there to oversee it, and it's- it's just revenge. I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay." Martin runs a thumb down his cheek. Jon's eyes flutter closed as he exhales. "That's- that's certainly not  _ good, _ but- but it's not entirely unexpected, either. And the world?"

"I don't know." Jon blinks at him. "I- I don't  _ think  _ killing Elias is going to change anything. Maybe it will, maybe he's different, but..." he sighs, turning his face into Martin's palm and pressing a small kiss to the heel of his hand. "I look at you, and I see your determination, and I think it might be possible. But even if it's not, I still want to kill him. Just for revenge. No matter how morally reprehensible that may be." He grimaces.

Martin breathes in for a moment, stroking his cheek again. "Then I'm with you."

Jon's eyes flick up to meet his, surprised. "R-really?"

"Yeah. You- you don't  _ know, _ not definitely, that this is hopeless, so... I'm choosing to hope. We'll save the world. And if I can inspire you with that, so much the better."

Jon swallows. "And if I ever do know? If something happens, and I  _ know, _ will you- will you want to stop?"

Martin closes his eyes for a moment. "I... I don't know. I don't- I don't  _ like  _ the killing. It's not- not like I thought it would be. We're not helping anyone, and I don't- I don't like the idea that we're going around saying some people  _ deserve  _ to die, just because they've hurt us." He sighs, and Jon lifts his free hand to lay over Martin's on his cheek. "I want to hurt Elias. I want to hurt him like he hurt us, for him to know all the pain and fear he's caused. And if that means he dies, then so be it."

"And the rest of them?"

"It's a bit hypocritical of me to say I want my own revenge but I'm against yours."

"Right."

Martin opens his eyes. Jon looks thoughtful, and conflicted, and a bit sad, and exactly the way Martin is feeling right now.

Martin kisses him.

"We'll be okay, Jon," he whispers. "I'm not mad at you for wanting revenge, or for not being able to help people. It's not your fault."

"Isn't it?" Jon's smile is wry. "If I stop caring, I'm just as bad as the rest of them. And that's on me."

"You still  _ want  _ to care, though. You can make the choice to, just like you did with trusting people."

"We've looped," Jon sighs, resting his forehead against Martin's. "Like I said, it feels like a pointless choice. The world isn't going to be saved just because I care."

"Yeah," Martin says. "But you will be."

Jon is silent for a moment. Then: "Why does that actually make me feel better?"

Martin lets out a breath of a laugh. "I don't know. But I'm glad that it does."

Jon leans back, lifting their still entwined hands to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back of Martin's. "I'm not sure if it's a choice I can make on my own. I'm... losing myself, I think."

Martin swallows the worry that rises at that. "Well, lucky for you, I'm here to help."

"I am. Very lucky indeed."

He still looks uncertain, hesitant. Martin kisses him again.

"You don't have to go through this alone, Jon. I'm here, whenever you need me."

There's a tremor in Jon's voice when he responds. "Even if I'm slipping?"

"Of course, Jon. Until the end of time."

This time, Jon kisses him.

It's good, Martin thinks. They needed to talk about this. Even if it terrifies both of them, Martin needs to know where Jon's humanity is fraying and thin, so he can be there to shore up those walls and keep him grounded.

It'll take work, and it'll be hard. But it's good.

A long time later, once they've resumed walking along at the same grueling trudge they've been going, Jon speaks again.

"Of course, time's already kind of ended," he says.

Martin rolls his eyes. "You know what I meant."

Jon smiles. "I do."


End file.
